EXCLUSIVE WORLD’S FIRST iPhone 5 REVIEW


As we are a favorite blog for Apple and all things holy, we have been given this special honour and NOT Gizmodo (the Unbelievers).

Yes, TODAY IS THE DAY, you devotees of the famous iPhone and here, on One Writer and His Blog, we have been given an EXCLUSIVE sneak preview, the FIRST IN THE WORLD, at the new offering from our Lord, through his heir and wearer of the Mantle of Apple.

IPhone 5 Exclusive Picture

We have seen it… Yes, and held it in our hands Precious.

Precious is beautiful and sleek and bigger and faster and we love it! It is brighter, bolder, more expensive and cherished. The Trinity of the Macbook, iPad and Iphone is now complete again.

So without much further ado, here is our take on our precious iPhone 5:

Better

It is much, much better than the last one and you MUST get one. Do not fall prey to the wiles of the dark side… do not listen to the unbelievers from Windows or Android for theirs is an unholy alliance.

Faster

It is like the wind of judgement that will fall on the evildoers. The Sword of Redemption. As quick as a guillotine and as pure as man who has breathed the hallowed air of the Infinite Loop.

Brighter

It has been imbued with the celestial and holy light that emanates from the Garden of Cupertino. This light shall smite down any other phones from unbelievers.

Here is what St. Tim Cook had to say when he handed it over to us:

The Sermon on Mt Infinite Loop

“Behold you believers, I, who wears the mantle and sits upon the Throne of our Lord

Steve,

Have brought you, from the Garden of Cupertino,

Salvation:

The Holy Trinity has been reborn, the iPhone 5 is here.

Look ye and believe in the Miracle of Creation

Wrought through the fires of patent filing

And the sweat of Taiwanese workers.

Look on the Beauty and be in awe of

The Bringer of Light and Speed to

Smite our foes and bring Salvation to HIS followers.

For BEHOLD the iPhone 5 is HERE.”

 

Please Note: As I don’t want to be sued by Apple… remember that this was only a joke and I would like to beg for forgiveness in advance:

Our Father, Who art in Heaven

Hallowed be thy Name,

Thy Kingdom has come

Forgive me my Android/Windows sins as I forgive those who have sinnned against me.

Give me this day my daily bread and forgive my trespasses. Etc.

Amen

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